Pain And Suffering
by Keruri1222
Summary: One-shot; 85 pairing. Rated high for shonen-ai and angst content. Related to my Saiyuki multi-part story. Hakkai thinks about Gojyo and other things before he leaves the redhead for good...


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**Pain and Suffering  
**  
An idea that came out of nowhere while I was brushing my teeth this evening. Suddenly, right out of the blue, I decided I would challenge myself by writing a short fic involving Gojyo and Hakkai, in everyone's favorite smiling _youkai_'s POV. Because they have just became one of my favorite pairings of the moment. So that means I don't have to say it's shonen-ai, do I? Although...  
  
...Although, if Gojyo and Hakkai are 22, doesn't that make this _seinen-ai_? Ahh...whatever.  
  
Disclaimer: ...If I were Minekura-_san_, wouldn't I be drawing the characters perfectly instead of writing fan fiction? Not to be rude or anything. This is just my sarcastic side coming through, really.  
  
This is based off my other multi-chapter fic involving these two, _Red Hardcover Novels_, and it hints at what has been bothering Hakkai so much. If anyone has read the story so far, consider this a bit of a spoiler warning...but not very much, since I don't even go THAT much into detail over the reason why.  
  
And won't let me indent this story's different paragraphs or space paragraphs after lines properly...wahh!! So...I'm sorry it looks messy, everyone! [Bows for forgiveness] I just hope my other story chapters won't turn out this way, too...  
  
Well...anyway, please enjoy this story, even if I do think it could be a LOT better...that's just my opinion, though.

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Red locks are pooled on a white pillow, much like the image of blood gathering on snow. Somehow, this in-the-moment details fascinates me, and my hand attempts to make contact with the soft material. Then, I decide against it, drawing back the reaching palm; he doesn't know I'm standing in this room, after all.  
  
Even now, you have no idea what I feel. My better judgment seems to say its better this way, but what good is there in holding out when I'm almost certain that everything that wasn't supposed to be known would be in the end, anyway? A foolish thing to say, but I think it all the same.  
  
Shouji...you tell me that I must leave Gojyo, correct? That if I stay near him any longer, there will be nothing but pain and suffering for him? Such an ironic thing to say. The union of _youkai_ and human is taboo, and a taboo child brings nothing but pain and suffering, so they say.  
  
But who is suffering the most at this moment? Well, that's probably open to interpretation...although I would have to say that right now, I'm emotionally torn between choosing something.  
  
It hurts me very much...but now I have to choose between the one I love now, and the love of my past.  
  
Or, at least, that's what Shouji seems to think he can make me decide. But I have a different proposal: to lay rest the phantoms of my past love to rest...and protect my current love in the process.  
  
My left hand resolutely grips the bag that's slung across my shoulder, and for a moment, seeing your face, I even consider staying. You are so content and beautiful, lying there on this bed...unaware of the fact that I'm about to leave you.  
  
Then again...someone who doesn't love—couldn't love—a man like me...they would not miss my presence, right? Internally, a bitter laugh escapes the darker regions of my heart.  
  
Please don't blame yourself after I leave, Gojyo. No matter how much I hate to leave you, the one fact that disgusts me even more than knowing you won't know where I am is that Shouji has complete control over me. And no matter how frail I may look, I promise you that I do not like being manipulated.  
  
The first line of chapter 13 of Undying Flower had said, _"It was a farewell letter that will reach its addressee, but never will be returned to the sender."_ I think that fits my note rather well...I only hope that you'll read it.  
  
And I swear that I truly do love you, Gojyo. But that's precisely why I must leave.  
  
_OWARI?_


End file.
